Separation Anxiety

Ada masanya waktu berputar. Kalau dulu anak-anak nangis pilu ketika ditinggal gue ke kantor, sekarang gue yang gundah gulana berhari-hari ketika ditinggal anak tertua kuliah dan ngekost di Yogya.

Separation is hard. Menjelang hari kepindahan, mendadak asam lambung naik. Migren muncul. Semua serba salah. Antara senang, bangga, excited, tapi terus sedih bayangin anak akan sendirian, makan apa nanti, gimana kalau sakit, disini gue ngemall makan enak tapi disana dia cuma di kost’an makan seadanya. Mellow.

Separation is never easy. Ketika hari berpisah, peluk erat dan isak tangis di stasiun. Di dalam kereta dari Tugu ke Bandara, air mata ngga berhenti ngalir. Sampai rumah, hati rasanya pilu lihat sofa tempat biasa dia duduk. Buka hp, scroll pictures, mellow lagi liat selfie picsnya. Di supermarket, otomatis jajanan favoritnya diambil dan masuk ke troli. Potong kue, ah sedih lagi, ngga bisa makan bareng-bareng. Ngetik ini aja, udah mulai mengambang air mata.

But separation teaches you lessons. Your child, is not yours. They belong to their life. They have their own path. When we separate, we give them time and space for them to grow. When we’re away, we’re building trusts.

And separation makes you and them stronger. We let them make their own calls, run into mistakes, and taste the bitterness of life.

Adult by age, my little baby girl by default.

Apples to my Eyes, Lights to my Soul

Jumat, 18 Nov 2016..

Lagi asyik nyetir on the way ke sekolah si Kakak dan kantor, tiba-tiba di tengah jalan tol badan gue mendadak berasa dingin. Mulai dari kaki, tangan, rasa dingin perlahan tapi pasti menjalar ke seluruh tubuh. My hands started to shake. I thought the blame was on air-cond. Turned it off, opened the car window, but it didn’t help. Mulai panik.

Keluar tol Halim, rasa dingin makin menguat. Tangan gemetar semakin kencang. Suddenly I felt so weak and headache hit me. Makin panik. I didn’t know what happened to me. Tried so hard to stay awake and focus on the road. Asked Kakak to rub my back to give some warmth, instead she searched for minyak angin then put it all over my back. She started to cry and call me, and I can’t help myself crying. Kaki gue dingin sedingin-dinginnya dan gue sempat berpikir “wah lewat deh nih gue”. Istighfar dan Syahadatain, cuma itu yang bisa keluar dari mulut gue. Doa gue semoga kalau memang ini waktunya untuk lewat, Kakak masih bisa aman selamat nggak kurang satu apapun.

I decided to reroute to my mom-in-law’s house. Along the way, Kakak hugged me so tight, put minyak angin on my back and neck, held my hand, threw her clothes around me and didn’t stop calling me. She did her best to make me stay awake and keep me warm. She cried and I knew she was panic. I tried to calm her down but she was a big girl who understood that something bad would happen if I couldn’t make it to the house.

Finally we made it to the house, Kakak made it to the school, and later on I made it to the hospital. I  had fever of 39.7 deg Celcius, very weak, and my body ached. 

Image result for mom and daughter


When I reflected on what had happened that Friday morning, I realized that my little girl had grown up. It was still clear on my mind how she spontaneously searched for minyak angin to give me some warmth when I told her that I was so cold and could she please rub my back. Her reactions as a 12 yo girl amazed me, apalagi dia pasti lagi panik maksimal waktu itu. Even me as an adult, belum tentu bisa bereaksi secepat dan sebagus itu. Her hug and hand held, those what strengthened me at that time. Her calling me, that was like a chant inside me urging me to fight whatever illness/condition I was having at that time. Her crying, that was my power. In a way, her crying telling me that she loves me and she can’t lose me. And I couldn’t afford to lose her either.

I am just an ordinary mom. Flaws are my middle name. Cranky is around the corner when things are not as Mom expect them to be (hah !). I often wonder if I raise my daughters well, teach them well or drill them well enough to face the life. But what had happened that Friday morning, it removed my worries. 

I always try to be a good mom for my daughters. No one is perfect, not me nor my daughters. But I know I have loved them since they were only a black spot inside my womb, and will always love them for whatever they are. I know that, like every other mom in this world, I would do everything for them. 

Apples to my eyes, Lights to my soul. Please don’t grow up so fast.






Parenting with Harry Potter

This line from Harry Potter and the Cursed Child has its point.


We parents, often think that what we’ve done for the kids are for their best. Picking up the clothes to wear, their hairstyle, or even school they go in to, we do it in the name of love.

It is true that we love them loads that we don’t want them to fail especially in their early stage of life. We want everything to be settled and run smoothly, cos we think that we’ve been there before and now we know what’s best to be done. But then, if they don’t experience how it feels to fall and fail as a result of their own decision, how can they face the real life — the unfair and tough one ?

I’m no master in parenting. I have so many flaws. Even that I’ve taken some parenting classes, but when it comes to daily practice it is a totally different situation.

Parenting has no tutorial and it is a lifetime assignment. You will need to keep learning how to deal with your children, and with yourself.